1st Yartzeit – Eternal Relationship with the Deceased – JewishClarity.com

During the hesped (eulogy) I gave at the funeral, I mentioned a particular insight about relationships that I had when Ruchama Rivka, a”h, first relapsed. It was, I believe, the first Shabbat following Shavuot that year.

In every Shabbat prayer we ask Hashem — “sab’einu mituvecha” — “satiate us from Your goodness” and “samcheinu bishuashecha” — “make us happy with Your salvation.” The question that occurred to me then was — shouldn’t both of these happen automatically? In other words, if the good that occurs to us is from Hashem, won’t it necessarily satiate us? And if Hashem is the source of our salvation, it certainly should make us happy! The question that bothered me, therefore, was — what are we really asking for in these prayers? The answer which struck me then was the following: Even that which is really G-d’s own good and salvation isn’t always so obvious or easy to appreciate. There I was, after all, saying these prayers in Hadassah hospital while my daughter was being treated for a relapse of leukemia! The realization I had then was that these prayers are asking Hashem for the ability to see the true good within whatever occurs to us, whether it is easy to perceive or, at times, very difficult to see.

I also noticed that these two requests follow immediately after our prayer to G-d — “v’sein chelkeinu b’Torasecha” — “and grant us a portion in your Torah.” I believe that it is this juxtaposition which is really the key to the prayer, as well as being a powerful idea in its own right. What is necessary for us to be able to see the goodness even in those events which are very challenging and painful? Having a portion in G-d’s Torah.

This is certainly an important prayer, which makes a great deal of sense, and I felt its particular relevance to me on that very first Shabbat in the hospital. And from that point onward, all throughout the over three years of various treatments and procedures, both when we needed to be in the hospital for Shabbat (very frequently), and when we were able to be home for Shabbat, virtually every Shabbat — this prayer was in many ways my point of reference and my anchor. It was my opportunity every Shabbat to ask Hashem to help me, through the Torah that I was learning and teaching, to see and to feel the good within our numerous painful and difficult challenges.

It has continued to be relevant and significant for me during this past year following Ruchama Rivka’s passing, although obviously in a very different way. Initially, I had needed help to cope with the numerous challenges and difficulties involved with the treatments that Ruchama Rivka was going through. This past year, I have continued to ask for the Torah to help me, but now to be able to deal with loss — the greatest loss that any parent could ever imagine.

One of the ways that the Torah was able to help me was through a beautiful essay which I was fortunate to see. It was from a sefer called the Aish Kodesh (Holy Fire) which I was given shortly before Ruchama Rivka passed away. The Aish Kodesh is an incredible work in many different ways. It is a collection of talks that the last Rebbe of the Warsaw ghetto gave to his chasidim in the final years before the ghetto’s destruction. Before the Rebbe himself was killed, he managed to bury notes of many of these talks, which were discovered after the war. While they are all beautiful and inspirational, there is one which I found to be particularly relevant to my quest for consolation in regard to my daughter’s tragic passing. It discusses a Medrash which tells us that Moshe Rabeinu expressed a deep fear to G-d:

Will I truly cease to be remembered [i.e., among the Jewish people] once I die?” G-d responded: “Just as you are standing here today and commanding the Jewish people to do the mitzvah of the shekalim [along with all the rest of the mitzvot], it will similarly be as if you will be standing together with the Jewish people as they carry out the mitzvah of the shekalim every single year [in the future], and physically participating alongside them.

{The verse hints at this by expressing the mitzvah of shekalim as “ki tisah” — “when you will take the Shekalim [i.e., in the future]”, and not “tah” — “take the shekalim [i.e., now in the present]”.}

The obvious question is — How could Moshe Rabeinu possibly be concerned about being forgotten by the Jewish people? He is constantly mentioned, all throughout the Torah!

In order to explain this, we need to understand a concept discussed by the Zohar — G-d “desires,” so to speak, to dwell within the heart of every single Jew. This “desire” has two different aspects to it:
Relationship with every Jew as a result of G-d’s great love for him.
Revelation through every Jew —possible only in the realm of physical action.  

Along with this “desire” of G-d is a parallel desire from every neshama (soul) that has passed away from this world to similarly maintain a relationship with those still dwelling in this physical world of action… The essential revelation of kedushah (sanctity) for every individual is exclusively through the physical fulfillment of mitzvot in this world. Therefore, besides the saying of kaddish and the learning of mishnayot for those who have passed away, it is a tremendous kindness for these neshamot when we additionally keep them in our minds as we are actually involved in doing mitzvot and learning Torah. We should not merely try to remember them, but rather bind ourselves to them in order to actually do the mitzvah and learn the Torah in partnership with them.

They will thereby become “clothed” with a body and, in the realm of action, capable of learning Torah and doing mitzvot [once again] and thereby revealing a much greater level of kedushah.

If G-d Himself “desires” to dwell within the heart of every single Jew, all the more so does every departed soul! What an incredible kindness it therefore becomes to allow some aspect of them to reside [once again] within the midst of the Jewish people, and to [actually] be engaged in Torah and mitzvot together with them.

This explains the concern of Moshe — “Will I cease to be remembered [i.e., amongst the Jewish people] once I die?” The numerous references to Moshe in the Torah, of course, refer to him only during his lifetime, i.e., as someone who had previously lived — in the past. His question was specifically — “After I die, will it also be possible for me to be remembered in the present?” — i.e., to exist within every single Jew and continue to be engaged in Torah and mitzvot together with them?

This was the question which G-d responded to by reassuring Moshe — “Just as you are standing here today and commanding the Jewish people to do the mitzvah of the shekalim [along with all the rest of the mitzvot], it will similarly be as if you will be standing together with the Jewish people as they carry out the mitzvah of the shekalim every single year [in the future] and physically participating alongside them.”

The beautiful message which this essay from the Aish Kodesh contains is — not only are the deceased right now in an incredible place of elevation and closeness to G-d, but we actually have the ability to continue our relationship with them, specifically with our Torah and avodat Hashem (service of G-d). What are they now lacking? A physical body to carry out their elevated aspirations in terms of physical actions in this present world of action. And that is exactly what we can give to them.

There is an analogy that I have returned to repeatedly this past year, which has helped and comforted me. I try to imagine what it must have been like for a family in Europe two hundred years ago whose child had made alliya. While they knew that they would most likely never see their child again, they were comforted by the fact that their child was now in a much more elevated place. They certainly missed their child terribly, but at the same time they must have felt a satisfaction as parents for all that they had contributed to the elevation which their child had now achieved. They further understood that their child’s life up until the point that he or she had left them was meaningful insofar as it had helped them to now achieve such a great elevation.

The Torah wants Olam Haba (the World to Come) to be just as real to us as Eretz Yisrael (the land of Israel) was to European Jews 200 years ago. It may not be easy, but as Jews, we need to see this as one of our fundamental aspirations.

The final inspiration which emerges from this essay in the Aish Kodesh is that not only are we able to continue our giving to the deceased, but they can actually continue to give to us as well. They can inspire and elevate our actions to much greater heights than we would otherwise be able to achieve.

G-d should grant all of us the siyata d’Shimaya (Heavenly assistance) to actively maintain our relationship with our deceased loved ones through greater and greater involvement and dedication to G-d’s Torah and His mitzvot. And G-d should help it to be a two-way relationship as much as possible, with them elevating us to greater and greater heights in terms of our actions in this world, while we provide the physical vehicle for their neshamot to continue to grow closer and closer, in the world of complete truth and clarity, to HaKadosh Boruch Hu.

This should be l’zechut ul’illuy nishmat Ruchama Rivka, a”h, bat Asher Zevulun